what the hell? so much things has happened since my last post. i guess life is full of surprises and even if there not all that great i guess i just have to deal, right?! well whatevers, fighting with boyfriend as usual. so sick of the same thing over and over again. hah! he said he was gonna change but i aint seen any changes. still the same ol story over and over again. always to busy with his own life to even bother with mines. so caught up with having fun that im the last thing on his priority list. its always about friends and himself -__- i mean, shit i dont mind him hanging out with his friends but when am i ever gonna get to spend time with him. its always, "ohhh call you back there outside my house" "ohh they called and they want to hang out so i cant go" "can i just call you later cause i dont want to be rude and be the only one on the phone" "can we go here cause thats where everyone is" etc. you get the picture. we havent spent any time together and dont get me wrong, his friends are great but when do i get to spend time with him without someone being there. the only time is when i sleep over his house and were too tired to even talk to each other. everytime i ask him to do something with me, its not a guarantee until he has no other plans. if he is home, hes to tired to talk on the phone because he has work and the night before he stayed up too late cruising. im so sick of feeling like im worthless to him. so today ive had it with the excuses about why he couldnt come eat dinner with my family since my brother was leaving for the navy. he made plans with his friends first so i guess he couldnt come AGAIN! like always, everytime he has plans to go here and there with his friends, my plans arent even an option. i guess i just need space from everything, i need to get away from this relationship, from him, from everything. im always worrying about where he is or who he is with cause he cant even pick up the phone to fucking call and tell me.
when his "girl" friends call him crying he can console in there problems but we have a million problems of our own and he doesnt even want to hear it when i complain about whats wrong with our relationship. he expects everything to be perfect but its not like that. he hates that i whine and complain a million times everyday, but if he just took into consideration what im saying, then i guess our relationship wouldnt be so fuckd. i really do love him but sometimes i cant even stand it anymore. its so hard to walk away and i rather cry every night rather then lose him. sounds a bit corny but i really do need him, when hes at his best, he makes me feel so complete. then theres those times where he doesnt realize what hes doing -__-
i dont regret having a baby but i do regret having it so quickly at such a young age. i love my baby dearly, even if i havent met her, its like i knew her forever. as i feel her inside my tummy, i cant wait to actually meet her, to kiss her, to hold her. as my due date approaches, im scared that im not a good enough parent. that our relationship is so unstable that were being so unfair to her. call me crazy but i actually have pep talks with tummy, telling her that if things dont work out with me and ryan that everything is still gonna be okay. that no matter what, im always gonna love her. sometimes i wish i wasnt so dependent on my boyfriend, that even if hes gonna do whatever he wants, my life doesnt need to stop. i dont need to keep worrying about him because life still goes on even if were not together. today i told him that i need time away from him, that ill talk to him when I think its ready for me to talk to him. no more falling for the "sorries" and the "im gonna change, i promise" bullshit. when he starts showing it then maybe ill reconsider. i might be weak but im trying hard not to give in this time. i even changed my doctors appointment date so i can go on my own instead of him taking me. its at pali momi so i dont need to drive all the way into town. maybe after this fight, he'll learn that im not so nice afterall. that i cant be stepped on every single time and then expected to be alright with everything at the end of the day. until he changes his attitude and his priorities, im not gonna give in.
HOPEFULLY!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment