IM SORRY -__-

here goes another emo blog about this corrupt relationship that i thought was getting better. i wanted to believe so badly that you was actually gonna change. that day when you said that your ready to actually give this relationship another try and make me feel that your in this with me 100% was such a relief. i had hope that i wasnt going to end up taking care of this baby on my own. that we werent going to end up like one of those couples that fought every damn day, i persuaded myself that things were going to work out. that all of this fighting was going to end. after talking to my girls about some stuff, they asked me one very important question " do you think you and ryan is gonna last" i wanted to say YES! but i knew deep down, it was gonna take more then we actually had the strength to do. im sick of trying to always make this relationship last, im sick of wondering where you are at night, im sick of thinking that your doing shit behind my back, im sick of putting all this stress on my baby.

shes not even born yet and i feel like im hurting her everytime i stress out. i cant help it especially with all this drama happening. your suppose to be the one thats making this pregnancy easier for me but it feels like right now is harder to cope with, then the morning sickness itself. all these stupid negative thoughts are getting to me. if our baby was born right now, i would tell her im sorry for bringing her into this world where her parents arent even ready to have a baby, where her parents cant even put away there differences to try and make a perfect family, im sorry for the stress i may put on her cause of our problems and im sorry i cant do more to make everything seem perfect. im really sorry!

all these rumors about your past that you keep denying is all catching up all at one time. & its more then i can take. then i actually catch you lying about who your with, instead of helping a friend out with there car, your galavanting AGAIN! leaving me at home to cope with everything on me own. you cant even be there for me to talk to me about our problems. going out with your friends is more important then occupying your pregnant girlfriend. if you havent notice yet, this is your kid. you need to start like acting like an adult. i want you to just understand that i want us to work out but if your not gonna try, im sorry its not going to work out. im at the point of walking away. i dont want to say it but im ready to raise this kid on my own if i have too. i cant take anymore of your lies. its not fair for our baby, its not fair to me. your being selfish and i hope one day you'll notice it.

Mary Baby turns 18

had to attend three parties this night. first my cousin Lea's birthday, then Mary Baby and lastly Janmar's. so me and my sister stayed at Lea's party for awhile, ate a shitload and then left when Ryan came to pick us up. Headed to Mary's house and then just cruised with everyone. Boyfriend was shame to sit with everyone so i had to stay with him most of the night. talked to mostly Paula and Kassey since we were sitting on the big chairs and everyone was just couple steps away from us on the couch. wanted to go by everyone but didnt want to leave boyfriend by himself since these were his friends, i didnt want him to feel left out. well, it was fun just being around everyone because these girls+dustin ;) make everyday a better day. i fricken looooooooooooooooooooove them. after Mary Baby's house me and ryan had to go to Janmar's BBQ, but we ended up driving to kalihi for nothing cause they was going clubbing anyways. so we just decided to go to Ryans house to rest up since we were both tired. Stayed at Ryan's house till 12:30 laying down and then we fell asleep. he woke up cranky but its all good cause he was hella tired anyways. when i got home everyone was still at my cousins house, luckly my brother was home to open the door. overall, good ass night :)

A Change of Heart 011809

its about ten thirty and im hella tired. damn i already blogged three time today. anyways, went to my sister's and cousin's retreat thing. they read speeches to their parents. my dad and auntie shed some tears. i gotta say i didnt have a dry eye either. anyways stayed there until two and then they fed us. there was a shitload of food. hahhahahaa. anyways, ryan was waiting for me at my house to take me to keehi lagoon to reserve a hall. ended up calling instead and they said it was close and to come back tomorrow. headed to ryans house and this is where the drama starts. well i wanted to go home first and grab a jacket but then ryan threw a whole fit about it so when he asked later on if i still wanted to get one i just ignored him. didnt want to talk to him at all. so when he started asking me questions, i never say anything at all. i guess that pissed him off. he then started acting stupid with his car and then that pissed me off more. when we got to his house we was already both hot headed. he stormed out and ended up punching a wall or something. stayed in the car cause i was shame to get out since all his friends was there for the BBQ at the pool. he came back in and then we just argued argued ARGUED! it lasted for about a good hour until he got fed up and he punched his rear view mirror. got super spoked cause i never seen him so mad. There was glass everywhere. I ended up crying my heart out and telling him all our problems. How everything was different now a days and how it seems like he doesnt care anymore. How he leaves me hanging and doesnt even tell me where hes going. If he expects me to call him when i go out, he needs to do the same in return. I mean its going to take two of us to make this relationship work. After telling him that maybe it was best that we didnt stay together cause its not fair to our baby and to bring her into this world with a corrupt family is being selfish. He started shedding tears and told me he was willing to change. He even apologized for everything. his parents seen us fighting and they wanted to talk to us so we talked in the car for a while and then decided to just end everything on a good note. i mean its not going to take one day for me and him to change but were willing to work on it. like i said, no more dealing with "there" issues and start dealing on my own. well anyways, walked to the pool to meet up with everyone and ate dinner there. it was freezing cold so i didnt swim. just spent time with ryan and then we watched "Another Cinderella Story." Im wondering if hes actually going to change.

Through with it all 011809

taking what michelle had to say into consideration, im through fussing and fighting with my own negative thoughts. like she said, " at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that hes with you" theres gonna be more drama's along the road but if i deal with every little thing, im just hurting myself. "She" can say whatever about a certain EX but i dont even know if it about him. & if it is, atleast i know ryan's making ME happy everyday. its great to know this and that about your past, all i know its not in the future. so im doing whats right for my baby and trying to give it a perfect family. i mean i know that me and ryan still has things we need to work on but its not anything we cant face. i mean which couple doesnt have its ups and downs. we have so much little issues to deal with but we need to take it one problem at a time.

Kysten Micheal Micua Ramos 011809

recap on 011709

Yay, Christine's baby finally came. Got to meet the newest addition to our group today. i cant wait to see him grow up. im so happy for them both. He's so adorable too ^__^ i was so scared to hold him cause he's so tiny. hahahaha i got five months to prepare. Then my baby girl is on her way. Still hoping that it doesnt come too close to graduation. woke up at 7 to Kasseys phone call, we all decided to start getting ready to go hospital. anyways, stayed at the hospital for a while. came there to early cause Coojah and Justin was still sleeping, they had a long night. So me, paula, kassey, mary, dustin, bryant and christian went to the nursury ward to look for Kysten. It wasnt hard looking for him cause he was the cutest one there ;) they was changing his diapers. we could only look through a big window and we "thought" they couldnt hear us. hahahhahaa. after we got tired of stalking Baby Khysten we went to the cafeteria to eat. felt like eating health so i just ate a salad. hahahahhaa. got the call that the baby was going back upstairs to his proud parents we rushed to christines room. took pictures and we was all scared to hold him. had to leave cause we didnt know the parking garage fee. Paula and Dustin headed to pearls and i went with kassey and bryant to Sarah's BBQ. Left the couple to eat and went to visit my boyfriend, he was grumpy as always. left his working place on a bad note. Got into a fight over the phone and just left it cause didnt feel like dealing with drama. Meet up with Paula and Dustin at pearlridge. ate a mcchicken sandwhich and then walked around. Everyone got lazy so we all decided to call it a day. went home and fell asleep. woke up to boyfriends voice message. called him back and he didnt sound so good. he said he was gonna go home soon from work cause he had a fever and a headache. i wanted to go aide him but had to go to a family party with my parents. when my dad came home we headed to makakilo to my auntie's house. wtf?! her house is huge. lol x) was so cold up there too. well we left around nine and i told boyfriend i was gonna go bring him soup but he already ate cause he got tired of waiting for me. hahahaha. so i drove to his house and daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn he was burning hot. stayed besides him until he fell asleep, but he had a hard time sleeping. Got a call from his friends telling us to go to Janmar's house cause it was his birthday. it was already ten o'clock so i told him i could take him before i go home. decided we was just gonna stay there for awhile and then leave since i had to be home by twelve.

so irritated 011909

i dont know if your writing about my boyfriend but it surely sounds like it. well its getting pretty irritating. seeing this and that about a certain "EX" is getting old. if you guys are doing shit behind my back, you guys mind as well fucking tell me. Even if its just talking, its still fucking wrong. finding out later hurts more then you fucking think. you guys already got caught for lying and i comfronted you guys about it. you said you was going to back off. he's going to be a dad and i dont need drama anytime soon. i dont need to know that only now you got over him. shit, if you found out your boyfriend was still thinking of his ex, it'd kill you too. so put yourself in my shoes.

& you on the other hand, i dont know what your doing behind my back. im sick of how things are going right now. i dont even know what your doing anymore. who your talking to or what your doing. it wouldnt hurt to fucking call when your out with your friends or to even call me before you go sleep. this relationship isnt going to go very far if its going to always be like this. you use to call me up the ass and now im even lucky to get one phone call that last more then five minutes. im carrying YOUR baby. get it straight, its either you be there for me or im about ready to leave. im tired of crying and venting to other people about "OUR" relationship because you dont want to hear it. when i go out with my friends, you ask me a million questions and you expect a call from me every dang hour but when it comes to you its a different story, right?! i mean im greatful for all the things you do for me but seriously, who are you now a days. its like you dont even give a damn about us anymore. well hopefully things get better. you know i love you and would do anything for you but things gotta change or nothings ever gonna work out -__-