Breaking Bad Habits 070809

okay, i dont know how many times I've told myself that it was over. it replays over and over in my head about how i want to just forget about everything. it hurts so much to actually have him in my life. thinking about how bad it has got fricken irritates me. i hate how he treats me like crap. he expects me to just handle everything he does to me, even if it hurts. i cant take it anymore. im at a point where i dont even give a flying fuck. no one knows how bad it is. through everyones eyes, were just an average couple where we have our ups and downs. but behind close doors we fight 24/7. i cant stand how he continous to treat me like shit and he doesnt even realize it. im at home taking care of the baby day and night and he doesnt appreciate everything i do. i want to put him in my shoes and make him realize how easy he got it. let me treat him the way he treats me and see if he likes it. it fucking sucks that i cant just move on. i love the guy so much that i rather be hurt a million times by how he is then actually move on to someone new. if im not going to be with him then i think its going to be super hard to find someone else. idk, what to do anymore. do i move on or just stick with it and hope things change?! -__- i want to break these bad habits of always thinking its my fault for every fight. i have to be the bigger person and always apologize and find myself running back to him. i have to find reasons of why i have to blame myself for things being this way. i know i can be a bitch and grumble wayy to many times in a day but i know i deserve better. I tried way to many times and nothing seems to get to him that i feel like shit when he yells at me, swears at me, or doesnt even give me and the baby the time of day. it seems like were not even important to him. i want to just show him how life would be without us. i want to challenge myself and not give in this time.

just a little space 062209

after no rest because Alexis couldnt fall asleep last night. i woke up at 8 and went to my aunties house to talk stories. ate breakfast and then got ready to go out to get stuff for my graduation party. as soon as my cousins picked me up, headed to Ben Franklin. what was suppose to be an hour trip turned out to be a four hour trip. bought paper and found out we can do cut outs there. made my favor boxes for my party. omgosh that took longer then i thought. whatevers had a shit load of laughs, plus it got my mind off some things. after Ben Franklin headed next door to Makoto Sushi. ate and talked stories. Then hit up longs and lastly price busters. ended up buying nothing. jennifer and i had to go to the post office to get boxes. it was so funny cause we didnt know if it was free or not. we was so scared of sounding off the alarm. come to find out the boxes were free anyways. lmao!

today turned out to be a good day. i thought i was just gonna stay home and start thinking about things again. luckily i had something to do to keep my mind off of things. tomorrow gonna head to ala moana to get more things like shopping bags ;) hopefully plan works out and we get everything we need. well it was only last night when we decided to call things quits for now. i thought i couldnt handle one day without him. im holding up pretty well, more then i thought i would. i guess time is what we really do need. we both know that things arent the same as it was before and maybe ill be happier this way. i know that things are going to be hard especially because we have a baby together. i guess everything does happen for a reason, well just see what life has in store for myself. i mean dont get me wrong, i already miss him and i just seen him the other day but i cant get that to my head. then thats when im going to want to give up and call him. i have to be strong and give myself and him some time to think. if things arent working out, im not going to force things to be the same. its not the same as actually having the same feeling. i guess with all the craziness going on in our lives, this relationship is one less thing we have to put up with. love shouldnt be a hassle, its somethng that you have to enjoy. i dont want to just live life being miserable and depressed all the time. he made me feel like shit with his temper and bossiness, i dont need that everyday of my life. i mean, i know i deserve more then i put up with. not to say that i was the perfect girlfriend but atleast i know i was always the one that TRIED to make things better. maybe later on in life or maybe later on this week, we'll give it another try. But as long as he needs to get back to his old self, then im willing to wait on this whole love thing.

more then i can handle 061509

so i guess its been forevers since i wrote in this blog. I FINALLYgave birth on May 22, 2009 to Alexis Trinity Bautista Villator. Being in Labor for 14 hours was the most pain I've ever been in. After my water broke in school, i never knew until the next day when i went in for my weekly check-up. so me and ryan had to drive to Kapiolani and after a few minutes of waiting i was sent into the delievery room. there they shot me up with IV's and medication to induce my labor. i found out i also had preeclamsia? something about having a seizure while i was in labor so they gave me another medication to reduce those chances. That magnesium thing made me feel hella yucky. anyways, after kicking, screaming and crying she finally popped out at 7:05 am. Bright and early. My sister texted everyone and all my friends from school came to the hospital. too bad i was too tired to see everyone or even be happy. atleast they got to see the baby. hahaha. anyways there was more visitors throughout the day. thanks to everyone that came :)

Besides giving birth another major event was that Ryan's mom passed away -__- luckily she got to see Alexis before she had to go. may she rest in peace. This whole week we have prayer for her and ewww i have to see that homewrecker!. i dont even know why she has to be there. shes should just not come cause i surely dont want her there. i know that she knows that i dont like her. she doesnt bother to talk to me or even say hi. good! shes a homewrecker and im happy she knows that i dispise her. LMAO!

everything is happening at once im so overwhelmed with everything. i dont think anyone knows exactly how i feel right now. with Alexis arriving and ryans mom passing away. its so hard to do this whole parenting thing on my own. especially because ryan always has to be at his house and he cant really be there for us right now. its so hard raising a child on my own. my parents dont make it easier when they continously nag on me about this and that, you have to do this and your doing it wrong. omgosh, i think sometimes i might be going through post-partum depression because nothing seems to make me happy. Besides my baby but when shes sleeping so much things run through my mind. like how things are so different between me and ryan, how my life has changed so drastically and how sometimes i wish i could just be a kid again. i mean dont get me wrong, im glad that i have alexis but being a mom at this age is harder then i thought. i cant even go to a party without my mom calling me telling me to come home because Alexis wont stop crying. while everyone is living up the last summer before everyone is off to college, im stuck at home being a grown up. Ryan acts like his life is still the same, i feel like this baby thing hasnt hit him yet and he takes so much things for granted. like how im always going to take it easy on him even when he constantly yells and swears at me for the littlest things. he doesnt realize that at the end of the day, i take up most of the responsibilites when it comes to our daughter. im the one that gets up in the middle of the night to feed her, the one that has to change mostly every single diaper, then one that has to rock her because shes fussy and im the one that doesnt even bother him cause hes fast asleep. he takes this relationship for granted especially with all the things i put up with and how easily i forgive him because i cant take it when we fight. even when hes the one the continously fucks up and continously talks to her even if it gets me mad. i dont care if there just friends, he still doesnt take my feeling into consideration. it pisses me off that when a boy talks or texts me, he gets all upset about it but when the tables are switched, im suppose to be okay with it. i hate his temper tantrums and how im suppose to deal with it because its just the way he is. he gets all upset that i wont accept the fact that that just the way he is, i have to love all his faults even if it means it hurts doing so. i dont think ive been happy for quite a long time now. i wish things were different, i wish things were like how it was before. when he agreed to uphold some of the responsibilities. as fast as he was to jump onto the baby boat, he was also quick to jump off. it sucks that things have to be this way -__-

thankful for him 042009

yayay me and babe make 14 months today! anyways, same ol thing went to school; was boring -___- wanted to go and then get home as soon as possible. was toooo tired to be at school. hahahahaa. had a doctors appointment today so i went to eat subway with sister and then headed to pali momi for my regular check-ups. i cant wait till shes here. shes getting so big now, im getting so big. hahahaa. doctor said to watch what i eat because im as big as a fat bitch! okay, he didnt say it like that but i do gotta watch what i eat. tomorrow i become 34 weeks. almost there!

anways, yesterday did the AIDS walk to raise money for those living with AIDS. was suppose to walk three miles but had to take a shortcut cause i had to pee. ended up just walking two miles instead, still good. was hella tired but it was a great accomplishment. so then arnold took me home but went with council to get prom centerpieces. thanks arnonld for the ride. got home and babe was gonna pick me up for a pool party later in the day. ended up falling asleep and then waking up all cranky. was concerned cause babe didnt call yet and it was already three so when he did call i started bitching about why he was taking so long to pick me up. i wanted to have a day for just me and him but then i found out his friends were coming. so i was like " just go them" the bitchy me was coming out and i didnt want to go anymore. he was getting mad too and we ended up getting into a huge argument but he came to my house and i decided to just go with him anyways. got to the pool and found out that he threw me a babyshower with all his friends and co-workers. i felt so shame about being so stubborn and getting mad over his friends being there when they was there just to support me and be great friends. i learned that i shouldnt be so hard on him about cruising and going out because his friends are great people and i never once hated them but once in awhile he needs to learn that he needs to set apart some boyfriend girlfriend time. but yesterday, i realized that i am stubborn and that i should just suck it up at times and stop being so harsh on ryan. well the babyshower turned out great. THANKS BABE AND MANANG JOY! & THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT CAME AND FOR THE GIFTS AND EVERYTHING ELSE! :)

i guess everything just takes time 041409

what the hell? so much things has happened since my last post. i guess life is full of surprises and even if there not all that great i guess i just have to deal, right?! well whatevers, fighting with boyfriend as usual. so sick of the same thing over and over again. hah! he said he was gonna change but i aint seen any changes. still the same ol story over and over again. always to busy with his own life to even bother with mines. so caught up with having fun that im the last thing on his priority list. its always about friends and himself -__- i mean, shit i dont mind him hanging out with his friends but when am i ever gonna get to spend time with him. its always, "ohhh call you back there outside my house" "ohh they called and they want to hang out so i cant go" "can i just call you later cause i dont want to be rude and be the only one on the phone" "can we go here cause thats where everyone is" etc. you get the picture. we havent spent any time together and dont get me wrong, his friends are great but when do i get to spend time with him without someone being there. the only time is when i sleep over his house and were too tired to even talk to each other. everytime i ask him to do something with me, its not a guarantee until he has no other plans. if he is home, hes to tired to talk on the phone because he has work and the night before he stayed up too late cruising. im so sick of feeling like im worthless to him. so today ive had it with the excuses about why he couldnt come eat dinner with my family since my brother was leaving for the navy. he made plans with his friends first so i guess he couldnt come AGAIN! like always, everytime he has plans to go here and there with his friends, my plans arent even an option. i guess i just need space from everything, i need to get away from this relationship, from him, from everything. im always worrying about where he is or who he is with cause he cant even pick up the phone to fucking call and tell me.
when his "girl" friends call him crying he can console in there problems but we have a million problems of our own and he doesnt even want to hear it when i complain about whats wrong with our relationship. he expects everything to be perfect but its not like that. he hates that i whine and complain a million times everyday, but if he just took into consideration what im saying, then i guess our relationship wouldnt be so fuckd. i really do love him but sometimes i cant even stand it anymore. its so hard to walk away and i rather cry every night rather then lose him. sounds a bit corny but i really do need him, when hes at his best, he makes me feel so complete. then theres those times where he doesnt realize what hes doing -__-

i dont regret having a baby but i do regret having it so quickly at such a young age. i love my baby dearly, even if i havent met her, its like i knew her forever. as i feel her inside my tummy, i cant wait to actually meet her, to kiss her, to hold her. as my due date approaches, im scared that im not a good enough parent. that our relationship is so unstable that were being so unfair to her. call me crazy but i actually have pep talks with tummy, telling her that if things dont work out with me and ryan that everything is still gonna be okay. that no matter what, im always gonna love her. sometimes i wish i wasnt so dependent on my boyfriend, that even if hes gonna do whatever he wants, my life doesnt need to stop. i dont need to keep worrying about him because life still goes on even if were not together. today i told him that i need time away from him, that ill talk to him when I think its ready for me to talk to him. no more falling for the "sorries" and the "im gonna change, i promise" bullshit. when he starts showing it then maybe ill reconsider. i might be weak but im trying hard not to give in this time. i even changed my doctors appointment date so i can go on my own instead of him taking me. its at pali momi so i dont need to drive all the way into town. maybe after this fight, he'll learn that im not so nice afterall. that i cant be stepped on every single time and then expected to be alright with everything at the end of the day. until he changes his attitude and his priorities, im not gonna give in.


HOPEFULLY!

Spring Break 032509

So far so good :) been out and about for the past couple of days. i mean, things could have been better with ryan but atleast its gradually getting there. we have our ups and downs but slowly getting better everyday. we just fight about the littlest things but then at the end of the day we tend to work out our differences. tonight i might go and sleep over his house if anything. well see what my parents say.

ANYWAYS! on another note, been cruising with dustin, michelle and jessica alot. i guess with everyone being so busy its always just us four. just the other day, went to watch movies with Dustin and Jessica, we watched "Knowing" its was an alright movie until it got to the end and then it started to get all scifi-ish and then everything made no sense. hahahahaha. btw thanks Dustin for the M.A.C gift card ^__^

Yesterday-didnt feel like staying home so i called up dustin to cruise and then ended up going pearls to buy maternity pants. too bad they dont have skinny jeans for pregnant people -__- ended up buy capris instead, its not so bad. didnt have nothing else to do so decided to check out the new Zippy's in waipahu. we bought food and called Agliam to see if we could come over. she said that no one was home so we headed to her house. ate and watched Bad Girls Club. then we had one of our UFA talks. hahahahha. i love it when us four get together and just talk, these bitches help me relieve stress ;) talked about michelle have alzheimer's, prom night and etc. had to go pick up michelles little brother and take them back home. then started craving ice cream so went to mcdonalds and took dustin home. called boyfriend and ended up falling asleep cause i had a mean ass headache. overall it was a goooooooood day!

what the hell did we get ourselves into?! 031809

here i we go again, im so sick of you treating me like this. treating me like im nothing to you. for goodness sake im holding OUR kid. if you havent notice its not long until shes coming and we still cant seem to grow up. im so sick of how you do whatever you like. shit, i dont care if you go out with your friends but you dont need to fucking lie about it or even leave clueless about your where abouts. youd hate it if i treated you the way you treated me. if i decided to go out every day and not care what you have to say about. I'd love to do what i want to do without caring about anyone else about myself. go and hang out and do stupid shit with my friends. like wtf, im a senior and i find myself at home every night or out with you. if i had it my way, i wouldve thought twice about what i did. i mean i dont regret having her, i mean dont get me wrong, shes the best thing that ever happen to me but the timing is so off. its my last year of high school, id love going out doing something stupid, doing shit that gives me the adrenaline. i miss being a kid but i gave all that up when i found out i was pregnant. i want you to realize that its time to grow up, we have more responsibilities that just going out and having the time of our life. if your going to lie about what your doing, then whatever im fine doing everything on my own. its gets me so fustrated that you think im never gonna leave, watch one day, your not going to even realize that im sick of just crying over you, wondering what your doing, and hateing myself cause i just dont have the courage to leave you. you know that im never gonna leave you and you take that into your full advantage my messing up every single time cause you know im just going to forgive you. i so tired of hateing myself because i could have done something sooner and now im too whooped to even stick up for myself. you yell at me telling me that when you screw up, somehow its my fault. if i decide to get mad you cant even say sorry, you find a way to make it my fault and turn the tables on me. then at the end of the day i end up blaming myself because i was stupid one for jumping into conclusion or im just blowing it out of proportion. just let me express my anger because i have everything bottled up and its so stupid because the only way i can vent out is on this blog and you dont even know what im feeling. i fucking hate that you treat me like this. like im some other girl to you. if im just like the rest then you should of thought about that before having a kid with me. i gave up so much and you think its nothing. i could have been anticipating on acceptance letters from the mainland but instead im waiting on your phone call making excuses in my head for myself to believe that your not doing things behind my back or once again lying. i could have been fucking up, doing stupid things because i know im still a kid and its my senior year but instead i decided to grow up because i dont want to be portrayed as those irresponsible moms. i could have been living life like theres no tomorrow but instead im on lockdown because i dont want you getting mad at me. In your eyes, you still can do whatever you want and thats not fair. i thought we was in this together but at times you make me feel like everything is on MY shoulder, that every problem is only MY problem -__-