Breaking Bad Habits 070809

okay, i dont know how many times I've told myself that it was over. it replays over and over in my head about how i want to just forget about everything. it hurts so much to actually have him in my life. thinking about how bad it has got fricken irritates me. i hate how he treats me like crap. he expects me to just handle everything he does to me, even if it hurts. i cant take it anymore. im at a point where i dont even give a flying fuck. no one knows how bad it is. through everyones eyes, were just an average couple where we have our ups and downs. but behind close doors we fight 24/7. i cant stand how he continous to treat me like shit and he doesnt even realize it. im at home taking care of the baby day and night and he doesnt appreciate everything i do. i want to put him in my shoes and make him realize how easy he got it. let me treat him the way he treats me and see if he likes it. it fucking sucks that i cant just move on. i love the guy so much that i rather be hurt a million times by how he is then actually move on to someone new. if im not going to be with him then i think its going to be super hard to find someone else. idk, what to do anymore. do i move on or just stick with it and hope things change?! -__- i want to break these bad habits of always thinking its my fault for every fight. i have to be the bigger person and always apologize and find myself running back to him. i have to find reasons of why i have to blame myself for things being this way. i know i can be a bitch and grumble wayy to many times in a day but i know i deserve better. I tried way to many times and nothing seems to get to him that i feel like shit when he yells at me, swears at me, or doesnt even give me and the baby the time of day. it seems like were not even important to him. i want to just show him how life would be without us. i want to challenge myself and not give in this time.

just a little space 062209

after no rest because Alexis couldnt fall asleep last night. i woke up at 8 and went to my aunties house to talk stories. ate breakfast and then got ready to go out to get stuff for my graduation party. as soon as my cousins picked me up, headed to Ben Franklin. what was suppose to be an hour trip turned out to be a four hour trip. bought paper and found out we can do cut outs there. made my favor boxes for my party. omgosh that took longer then i thought. whatevers had a shit load of laughs, plus it got my mind off some things. after Ben Franklin headed next door to Makoto Sushi. ate and talked stories. Then hit up longs and lastly price busters. ended up buying nothing. jennifer and i had to go to the post office to get boxes. it was so funny cause we didnt know if it was free or not. we was so scared of sounding off the alarm. come to find out the boxes were free anyways. lmao!

today turned out to be a good day. i thought i was just gonna stay home and start thinking about things again. luckily i had something to do to keep my mind off of things. tomorrow gonna head to ala moana to get more things like shopping bags ;) hopefully plan works out and we get everything we need. well it was only last night when we decided to call things quits for now. i thought i couldnt handle one day without him. im holding up pretty well, more then i thought i would. i guess time is what we really do need. we both know that things arent the same as it was before and maybe ill be happier this way. i know that things are going to be hard especially because we have a baby together. i guess everything does happen for a reason, well just see what life has in store for myself. i mean dont get me wrong, i already miss him and i just seen him the other day but i cant get that to my head. then thats when im going to want to give up and call him. i have to be strong and give myself and him some time to think. if things arent working out, im not going to force things to be the same. its not the same as actually having the same feeling. i guess with all the craziness going on in our lives, this relationship is one less thing we have to put up with. love shouldnt be a hassle, its somethng that you have to enjoy. i dont want to just live life being miserable and depressed all the time. he made me feel like shit with his temper and bossiness, i dont need that everyday of my life. i mean, i know i deserve more then i put up with. not to say that i was the perfect girlfriend but atleast i know i was always the one that TRIED to make things better. maybe later on in life or maybe later on this week, we'll give it another try. But as long as he needs to get back to his old self, then im willing to wait on this whole love thing.

more then i can handle 061509

so i guess its been forevers since i wrote in this blog. I FINALLYgave birth on May 22, 2009 to Alexis Trinity Bautista Villator. Being in Labor for 14 hours was the most pain I've ever been in. After my water broke in school, i never knew until the next day when i went in for my weekly check-up. so me and ryan had to drive to Kapiolani and after a few minutes of waiting i was sent into the delievery room. there they shot me up with IV's and medication to induce my labor. i found out i also had preeclamsia? something about having a seizure while i was in labor so they gave me another medication to reduce those chances. That magnesium thing made me feel hella yucky. anyways, after kicking, screaming and crying she finally popped out at 7:05 am. Bright and early. My sister texted everyone and all my friends from school came to the hospital. too bad i was too tired to see everyone or even be happy. atleast they got to see the baby. hahaha. anyways there was more visitors throughout the day. thanks to everyone that came :)

Besides giving birth another major event was that Ryan's mom passed away -__- luckily she got to see Alexis before she had to go. may she rest in peace. This whole week we have prayer for her and ewww i have to see that homewrecker!. i dont even know why she has to be there. shes should just not come cause i surely dont want her there. i know that she knows that i dont like her. she doesnt bother to talk to me or even say hi. good! shes a homewrecker and im happy she knows that i dispise her. LMAO!

everything is happening at once im so overwhelmed with everything. i dont think anyone knows exactly how i feel right now. with Alexis arriving and ryans mom passing away. its so hard to do this whole parenting thing on my own. especially because ryan always has to be at his house and he cant really be there for us right now. its so hard raising a child on my own. my parents dont make it easier when they continously nag on me about this and that, you have to do this and your doing it wrong. omgosh, i think sometimes i might be going through post-partum depression because nothing seems to make me happy. Besides my baby but when shes sleeping so much things run through my mind. like how things are so different between me and ryan, how my life has changed so drastically and how sometimes i wish i could just be a kid again. i mean dont get me wrong, im glad that i have alexis but being a mom at this age is harder then i thought. i cant even go to a party without my mom calling me telling me to come home because Alexis wont stop crying. while everyone is living up the last summer before everyone is off to college, im stuck at home being a grown up. Ryan acts like his life is still the same, i feel like this baby thing hasnt hit him yet and he takes so much things for granted. like how im always going to take it easy on him even when he constantly yells and swears at me for the littlest things. he doesnt realize that at the end of the day, i take up most of the responsibilites when it comes to our daughter. im the one that gets up in the middle of the night to feed her, the one that has to change mostly every single diaper, then one that has to rock her because shes fussy and im the one that doesnt even bother him cause hes fast asleep. he takes this relationship for granted especially with all the things i put up with and how easily i forgive him because i cant take it when we fight. even when hes the one the continously fucks up and continously talks to her even if it gets me mad. i dont care if there just friends, he still doesnt take my feeling into consideration. it pisses me off that when a boy talks or texts me, he gets all upset about it but when the tables are switched, im suppose to be okay with it. i hate his temper tantrums and how im suppose to deal with it because its just the way he is. he gets all upset that i wont accept the fact that that just the way he is, i have to love all his faults even if it means it hurts doing so. i dont think ive been happy for quite a long time now. i wish things were different, i wish things were like how it was before. when he agreed to uphold some of the responsibilities. as fast as he was to jump onto the baby boat, he was also quick to jump off. it sucks that things have to be this way -__-

thankful for him 042009

yayay me and babe make 14 months today! anyways, same ol thing went to school; was boring -___- wanted to go and then get home as soon as possible. was toooo tired to be at school. hahahahaa. had a doctors appointment today so i went to eat subway with sister and then headed to pali momi for my regular check-ups. i cant wait till shes here. shes getting so big now, im getting so big. hahahaa. doctor said to watch what i eat because im as big as a fat bitch! okay, he didnt say it like that but i do gotta watch what i eat. tomorrow i become 34 weeks. almost there!

anways, yesterday did the AIDS walk to raise money for those living with AIDS. was suppose to walk three miles but had to take a shortcut cause i had to pee. ended up just walking two miles instead, still good. was hella tired but it was a great accomplishment. so then arnold took me home but went with council to get prom centerpieces. thanks arnonld for the ride. got home and babe was gonna pick me up for a pool party later in the day. ended up falling asleep and then waking up all cranky. was concerned cause babe didnt call yet and it was already three so when he did call i started bitching about why he was taking so long to pick me up. i wanted to have a day for just me and him but then i found out his friends were coming. so i was like " just go them" the bitchy me was coming out and i didnt want to go anymore. he was getting mad too and we ended up getting into a huge argument but he came to my house and i decided to just go with him anyways. got to the pool and found out that he threw me a babyshower with all his friends and co-workers. i felt so shame about being so stubborn and getting mad over his friends being there when they was there just to support me and be great friends. i learned that i shouldnt be so hard on him about cruising and going out because his friends are great people and i never once hated them but once in awhile he needs to learn that he needs to set apart some boyfriend girlfriend time. but yesterday, i realized that i am stubborn and that i should just suck it up at times and stop being so harsh on ryan. well the babyshower turned out great. THANKS BABE AND MANANG JOY! & THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT CAME AND FOR THE GIFTS AND EVERYTHING ELSE! :)

i guess everything just takes time 041409

what the hell? so much things has happened since my last post. i guess life is full of surprises and even if there not all that great i guess i just have to deal, right?! well whatevers, fighting with boyfriend as usual. so sick of the same thing over and over again. hah! he said he was gonna change but i aint seen any changes. still the same ol story over and over again. always to busy with his own life to even bother with mines. so caught up with having fun that im the last thing on his priority list. its always about friends and himself -__- i mean, shit i dont mind him hanging out with his friends but when am i ever gonna get to spend time with him. its always, "ohhh call you back there outside my house" "ohh they called and they want to hang out so i cant go" "can i just call you later cause i dont want to be rude and be the only one on the phone" "can we go here cause thats where everyone is" etc. you get the picture. we havent spent any time together and dont get me wrong, his friends are great but when do i get to spend time with him without someone being there. the only time is when i sleep over his house and were too tired to even talk to each other. everytime i ask him to do something with me, its not a guarantee until he has no other plans. if he is home, hes to tired to talk on the phone because he has work and the night before he stayed up too late cruising. im so sick of feeling like im worthless to him. so today ive had it with the excuses about why he couldnt come eat dinner with my family since my brother was leaving for the navy. he made plans with his friends first so i guess he couldnt come AGAIN! like always, everytime he has plans to go here and there with his friends, my plans arent even an option. i guess i just need space from everything, i need to get away from this relationship, from him, from everything. im always worrying about where he is or who he is with cause he cant even pick up the phone to fucking call and tell me.
when his "girl" friends call him crying he can console in there problems but we have a million problems of our own and he doesnt even want to hear it when i complain about whats wrong with our relationship. he expects everything to be perfect but its not like that. he hates that i whine and complain a million times everyday, but if he just took into consideration what im saying, then i guess our relationship wouldnt be so fuckd. i really do love him but sometimes i cant even stand it anymore. its so hard to walk away and i rather cry every night rather then lose him. sounds a bit corny but i really do need him, when hes at his best, he makes me feel so complete. then theres those times where he doesnt realize what hes doing -__-

i dont regret having a baby but i do regret having it so quickly at such a young age. i love my baby dearly, even if i havent met her, its like i knew her forever. as i feel her inside my tummy, i cant wait to actually meet her, to kiss her, to hold her. as my due date approaches, im scared that im not a good enough parent. that our relationship is so unstable that were being so unfair to her. call me crazy but i actually have pep talks with tummy, telling her that if things dont work out with me and ryan that everything is still gonna be okay. that no matter what, im always gonna love her. sometimes i wish i wasnt so dependent on my boyfriend, that even if hes gonna do whatever he wants, my life doesnt need to stop. i dont need to keep worrying about him because life still goes on even if were not together. today i told him that i need time away from him, that ill talk to him when I think its ready for me to talk to him. no more falling for the "sorries" and the "im gonna change, i promise" bullshit. when he starts showing it then maybe ill reconsider. i might be weak but im trying hard not to give in this time. i even changed my doctors appointment date so i can go on my own instead of him taking me. its at pali momi so i dont need to drive all the way into town. maybe after this fight, he'll learn that im not so nice afterall. that i cant be stepped on every single time and then expected to be alright with everything at the end of the day. until he changes his attitude and his priorities, im not gonna give in.


HOPEFULLY!

Spring Break 032509

So far so good :) been out and about for the past couple of days. i mean, things could have been better with ryan but atleast its gradually getting there. we have our ups and downs but slowly getting better everyday. we just fight about the littlest things but then at the end of the day we tend to work out our differences. tonight i might go and sleep over his house if anything. well see what my parents say.

ANYWAYS! on another note, been cruising with dustin, michelle and jessica alot. i guess with everyone being so busy its always just us four. just the other day, went to watch movies with Dustin and Jessica, we watched "Knowing" its was an alright movie until it got to the end and then it started to get all scifi-ish and then everything made no sense. hahahahaha. btw thanks Dustin for the M.A.C gift card ^__^

Yesterday-didnt feel like staying home so i called up dustin to cruise and then ended up going pearls to buy maternity pants. too bad they dont have skinny jeans for pregnant people -__- ended up buy capris instead, its not so bad. didnt have nothing else to do so decided to check out the new Zippy's in waipahu. we bought food and called Agliam to see if we could come over. she said that no one was home so we headed to her house. ate and watched Bad Girls Club. then we had one of our UFA talks. hahahahha. i love it when us four get together and just talk, these bitches help me relieve stress ;) talked about michelle have alzheimer's, prom night and etc. had to go pick up michelles little brother and take them back home. then started craving ice cream so went to mcdonalds and took dustin home. called boyfriend and ended up falling asleep cause i had a mean ass headache. overall it was a goooooooood day!

what the hell did we get ourselves into?! 031809

here i we go again, im so sick of you treating me like this. treating me like im nothing to you. for goodness sake im holding OUR kid. if you havent notice its not long until shes coming and we still cant seem to grow up. im so sick of how you do whatever you like. shit, i dont care if you go out with your friends but you dont need to fucking lie about it or even leave clueless about your where abouts. youd hate it if i treated you the way you treated me. if i decided to go out every day and not care what you have to say about. I'd love to do what i want to do without caring about anyone else about myself. go and hang out and do stupid shit with my friends. like wtf, im a senior and i find myself at home every night or out with you. if i had it my way, i wouldve thought twice about what i did. i mean i dont regret having her, i mean dont get me wrong, shes the best thing that ever happen to me but the timing is so off. its my last year of high school, id love going out doing something stupid, doing shit that gives me the adrenaline. i miss being a kid but i gave all that up when i found out i was pregnant. i want you to realize that its time to grow up, we have more responsibilities that just going out and having the time of our life. if your going to lie about what your doing, then whatever im fine doing everything on my own. its gets me so fustrated that you think im never gonna leave, watch one day, your not going to even realize that im sick of just crying over you, wondering what your doing, and hateing myself cause i just dont have the courage to leave you. you know that im never gonna leave you and you take that into your full advantage my messing up every single time cause you know im just going to forgive you. i so tired of hateing myself because i could have done something sooner and now im too whooped to even stick up for myself. you yell at me telling me that when you screw up, somehow its my fault. if i decide to get mad you cant even say sorry, you find a way to make it my fault and turn the tables on me. then at the end of the day i end up blaming myself because i was stupid one for jumping into conclusion or im just blowing it out of proportion. just let me express my anger because i have everything bottled up and its so stupid because the only way i can vent out is on this blog and you dont even know what im feeling. i fucking hate that you treat me like this. like im some other girl to you. if im just like the rest then you should of thought about that before having a kid with me. i gave up so much and you think its nothing. i could have been anticipating on acceptance letters from the mainland but instead im waiting on your phone call making excuses in my head for myself to believe that your not doing things behind my back or once again lying. i could have been fucking up, doing stupid things because i know im still a kid and its my senior year but instead i decided to grow up because i dont want to be portrayed as those irresponsible moms. i could have been living life like theres no tomorrow but instead im on lockdown because i dont want you getting mad at me. In your eyes, you still can do whatever you want and thats not fair. i thought we was in this together but at times you make me feel like everything is on MY shoulder, that every problem is only MY problem -__-

just another saturday 031409

just pau cleaning the kitchen. waiting for babe to finish work and then gonna head to the hospital to visit his dad. hopefully hes doing alright. well anyways, last night i slept over ryans house for the very first time. we had the whole house to our self since his parents are in the hospital. babe picked me up around 8 and then went to buy taco bell since he was too lazy to actually cook something. & then headed to his house to watch tv and eat dinner. idk, but i felt hella tired so i ended up crashing on the couch and then he woke me up an hour later to tell me to go upstairs. tried to fall asleep but that dummy couldnt sleep so he kept me up also. talked about some stuff and then fell asleep. then woke up after two hours cause he couldnt sleep again. so stayed up with him ;) then fell asleep and then woke up around 7 and he was still tired so i decided to go and cook rice. i couldnt find the rice so i just went back upstairs in his room to watch tv. hhahahahaa. then woke him up again and told him he had to go and make me breakfast. he made pancakes and i did the dishes. had to leave the house by 10 cause he had work. he dropped me home and then watched lifetime the whole day. i love that station :) interesting movies was on today. okay bye!

drama o' rama 031309

yuuuuuuuuuuup, its friday the 13 ;D and no bad luck today. drove to school and picked up daniel. we was all hungry so decided to try the new BK breakfast shots. ahhh, its alright. anyways, in first period Michelle came to school early so i talked to her most of the time and then in second period, i took a test. during lunch i decided i was hungry so i asked michelle where she was going for fourth period. planned on going genki and then dustin and coojah tagged along. went to third period, which i have to say was pointless because we never did anything. just talked to priscilla and daniel most of the time. was super scared of cutting out fourth period since i didnt want to get caught and get suspended. stupid new rules. sucked it up and decided i was waaaaaaaay to hungry to stay in school. met up with coojah, dustin and michelle and headed to genki. talked and ate till school was done and had to go pick up jessica. finally got to see baby Khysten, damn that boy is hella handsome. i wanted to squeeze him but his mom wouldve killed me. lol x) but really, he is hella hella HELLA cute ;D i felt bad though we woke him up from his nap. hahahahaa. anyways, took michelle to pick up his little brother. he is HA-LA-RIOUS! even when he isnt saying anything funny, he still cracks me up. thats where i fell, i want to go see my skin. hahahahhahaaha. anyways, took jessica to Zippy's cause she wanted to eat and then headed home. tonight im sleeping over boyfriends house. kayy bye!

i hate selfish people 030809

last night was michelles birthday party. got to chill with Dus10 girls. everyone took shots for michelle except for me. obviously, im pregnant. lol x) anyways, before the party got into a fight with my sister and my mom got super pissed off. i never seen her so mad. all this shit wasnt even my fault and my sister knows it. hahahahhaa. well, it was like 7:30 and we had to leave to go pick up dustin. went to his house to straighten my hair really quickly and then went to the store to buy juice. headed to roosevelts house where lisa and paula was already there. vented a little to paula about why i was irritated. ANYWAYS, waited for everyone else to come. only roosevelt and rj ended up getting fuckd up and the party ended early. had a shitload of laughs when roosevelts mom was talking to all of us girls about sex. hahahahaa. i felt bad that they got mad at the end of the night. SOOOORRRRRY! at the end of the night it was just me, jessica, dustin and michelle. had an UFA session where we just talked and talked and talked until we had to go home. overall it was a good night. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHELLE! was suppose to sleepover boyfriends house but he felt hella sick so i decided to just go home.

I Love Ryan Villator 022109

Recap- i haven't been updating since i never have time or im just too lazy to go on the computer. school is finally coming together. after cutting class time to time, my missing work has stacked up. had to stay after school and stay in for lunch just to finish up my any tests i miss or get tutoring to help out my grades. im gonna graduate with magna cum lade, or atleast im gonna try my hardest. dont worry after getting pregnant at 17 im gonna make my parents super proud by graduating with honors ^__^

anyways last week was valentines day, babe got off work late so we didnt get to reserve a restaurant. was suppose to eat at this restaurant by the harbor in Kahala but they was full, then we was suppose to eat at Roy's but felt weird with all the haole's, so i just told him lets just eat at Outback Steakhouse. waited only awhile and then we got seated. wasnt really that hungry so i didnt finish my food. headed to his house to watch a movie and then ended up falling asleep. headed home around 12:30.

yesterday me and babe made one year. after complaining and complaining that he never does anything romantic for me like before. he picked me up, and in the front seat was a dozen roses. i felt so damn special :) too bad we was both broke so we decided to just stay in for the night and watch a movie. watched bedtime stories, pretty good movie but i was hella tired. ended up falling asleep towards the ending. had a super bad dream, luckly babe was next to me to comfort me. told him about the dream and was scared to go back to sleep. just stayed in bed for awhile just to calm down then he took me home. tonight is roosevelts birthday, planning on going to his party. too lazy to clean the house and my brother is coming home with blazin steaks ^___^ okay, gonna go eat.

GETTING FATTER! 0206009

school today was alright, thanks bitches for calling me fat! lol x) just jokes. its all worth it for a few months and then BOOOOOOOOOOOM! shes here. trying my best to get straight A's so i can graduate with Magna Cum Lade(sp*) so i can show my baby that mommy made it ^__^ cant wait to see her and this weekend probably gonna go baby window shopping since me and babe is broke. lol x) afterschool went to see mommy coojah and khysten. man o' man is he adorable. hahahaha. i finally got to see him awake since he always sleeping. dont worry sweetie, your classmate is on her way ;) well ryan was being cranky as usual, i guess cause he was tired at work. fell asleep waiting for his call and then called him back and he was still at work. was suppose to go out but then decided not to since my mom said i go out to much. she kept yapping about me being pregnant. i just kept eating and saying "yeah, no worries" "yeah yeah" hahahhaa. im still craving my icee that i didnt get, even after a week later. i wanna finish my application for hpu so i can turn it in on monday. hopefully i get in. CROSS FINNNNNNNNNNNGERS!

anyways, i guess me and Ryan is finally on stable grounds. little arguments here and there but nothing that doesnt get solved after a few minutes. hes actually being nice time to time. &&& he actually has time for me now. this month is our one year anniversary, well see what he got planned. if not, i probably have to plan and he can just pay since he has $$$ and i dont. plus valentines dinner is just around the corner, i cant wait! well im running out of things to type. later ;)

IM SORRY -__-

here goes another emo blog about this corrupt relationship that i thought was getting better. i wanted to believe so badly that you was actually gonna change. that day when you said that your ready to actually give this relationship another try and make me feel that your in this with me 100% was such a relief. i had hope that i wasnt going to end up taking care of this baby on my own. that we werent going to end up like one of those couples that fought every damn day, i persuaded myself that things were going to work out. that all of this fighting was going to end. after talking to my girls about some stuff, they asked me one very important question " do you think you and ryan is gonna last" i wanted to say YES! but i knew deep down, it was gonna take more then we actually had the strength to do. im sick of trying to always make this relationship last, im sick of wondering where you are at night, im sick of thinking that your doing shit behind my back, im sick of putting all this stress on my baby.

shes not even born yet and i feel like im hurting her everytime i stress out. i cant help it especially with all this drama happening. your suppose to be the one thats making this pregnancy easier for me but it feels like right now is harder to cope with, then the morning sickness itself. all these stupid negative thoughts are getting to me. if our baby was born right now, i would tell her im sorry for bringing her into this world where her parents arent even ready to have a baby, where her parents cant even put away there differences to try and make a perfect family, im sorry for the stress i may put on her cause of our problems and im sorry i cant do more to make everything seem perfect. im really sorry!

all these rumors about your past that you keep denying is all catching up all at one time. & its more then i can take. then i actually catch you lying about who your with, instead of helping a friend out with there car, your galavanting AGAIN! leaving me at home to cope with everything on me own. you cant even be there for me to talk to me about our problems. going out with your friends is more important then occupying your pregnant girlfriend. if you havent notice yet, this is your kid. you need to start like acting like an adult. i want you to just understand that i want us to work out but if your not gonna try, im sorry its not going to work out. im at the point of walking away. i dont want to say it but im ready to raise this kid on my own if i have too. i cant take anymore of your lies. its not fair for our baby, its not fair to me. your being selfish and i hope one day you'll notice it.

Mary Baby turns 18

had to attend three parties this night. first my cousin Lea's birthday, then Mary Baby and lastly Janmar's. so me and my sister stayed at Lea's party for awhile, ate a shitload and then left when Ryan came to pick us up. Headed to Mary's house and then just cruised with everyone. Boyfriend was shame to sit with everyone so i had to stay with him most of the night. talked to mostly Paula and Kassey since we were sitting on the big chairs and everyone was just couple steps away from us on the couch. wanted to go by everyone but didnt want to leave boyfriend by himself since these were his friends, i didnt want him to feel left out. well, it was fun just being around everyone because these girls+dustin ;) make everyday a better day. i fricken looooooooooooooooooooove them. after Mary Baby's house me and ryan had to go to Janmar's BBQ, but we ended up driving to kalihi for nothing cause they was going clubbing anyways. so we just decided to go to Ryans house to rest up since we were both tired. Stayed at Ryan's house till 12:30 laying down and then we fell asleep. he woke up cranky but its all good cause he was hella tired anyways. when i got home everyone was still at my cousins house, luckly my brother was home to open the door. overall, good ass night :)

A Change of Heart 011809

its about ten thirty and im hella tired. damn i already blogged three time today. anyways, went to my sister's and cousin's retreat thing. they read speeches to their parents. my dad and auntie shed some tears. i gotta say i didnt have a dry eye either. anyways stayed there until two and then they fed us. there was a shitload of food. hahhahahaa. anyways, ryan was waiting for me at my house to take me to keehi lagoon to reserve a hall. ended up calling instead and they said it was close and to come back tomorrow. headed to ryans house and this is where the drama starts. well i wanted to go home first and grab a jacket but then ryan threw a whole fit about it so when he asked later on if i still wanted to get one i just ignored him. didnt want to talk to him at all. so when he started asking me questions, i never say anything at all. i guess that pissed him off. he then started acting stupid with his car and then that pissed me off more. when we got to his house we was already both hot headed. he stormed out and ended up punching a wall or something. stayed in the car cause i was shame to get out since all his friends was there for the BBQ at the pool. he came back in and then we just argued argued ARGUED! it lasted for about a good hour until he got fed up and he punched his rear view mirror. got super spoked cause i never seen him so mad. There was glass everywhere. I ended up crying my heart out and telling him all our problems. How everything was different now a days and how it seems like he doesnt care anymore. How he leaves me hanging and doesnt even tell me where hes going. If he expects me to call him when i go out, he needs to do the same in return. I mean its going to take two of us to make this relationship work. After telling him that maybe it was best that we didnt stay together cause its not fair to our baby and to bring her into this world with a corrupt family is being selfish. He started shedding tears and told me he was willing to change. He even apologized for everything. his parents seen us fighting and they wanted to talk to us so we talked in the car for a while and then decided to just end everything on a good note. i mean its not going to take one day for me and him to change but were willing to work on it. like i said, no more dealing with "there" issues and start dealing on my own. well anyways, walked to the pool to meet up with everyone and ate dinner there. it was freezing cold so i didnt swim. just spent time with ryan and then we watched "Another Cinderella Story." Im wondering if hes actually going to change.

Through with it all 011809

taking what michelle had to say into consideration, im through fussing and fighting with my own negative thoughts. like she said, " at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that hes with you" theres gonna be more drama's along the road but if i deal with every little thing, im just hurting myself. "She" can say whatever about a certain EX but i dont even know if it about him. & if it is, atleast i know ryan's making ME happy everyday. its great to know this and that about your past, all i know its not in the future. so im doing whats right for my baby and trying to give it a perfect family. i mean i know that me and ryan still has things we need to work on but its not anything we cant face. i mean which couple doesnt have its ups and downs. we have so much little issues to deal with but we need to take it one problem at a time.

Kysten Micheal Micua Ramos 011809

recap on 011709

Yay, Christine's baby finally came. Got to meet the newest addition to our group today. i cant wait to see him grow up. im so happy for them both. He's so adorable too ^__^ i was so scared to hold him cause he's so tiny. hahahaha i got five months to prepare. Then my baby girl is on her way. Still hoping that it doesnt come too close to graduation. woke up at 7 to Kasseys phone call, we all decided to start getting ready to go hospital. anyways, stayed at the hospital for a while. came there to early cause Coojah and Justin was still sleeping, they had a long night. So me, paula, kassey, mary, dustin, bryant and christian went to the nursury ward to look for Kysten. It wasnt hard looking for him cause he was the cutest one there ;) they was changing his diapers. we could only look through a big window and we "thought" they couldnt hear us. hahahhahaa. after we got tired of stalking Baby Khysten we went to the cafeteria to eat. felt like eating health so i just ate a salad. hahahahhaa. got the call that the baby was going back upstairs to his proud parents we rushed to christines room. took pictures and we was all scared to hold him. had to leave cause we didnt know the parking garage fee. Paula and Dustin headed to pearls and i went with kassey and bryant to Sarah's BBQ. Left the couple to eat and went to visit my boyfriend, he was grumpy as always. left his working place on a bad note. Got into a fight over the phone and just left it cause didnt feel like dealing with drama. Meet up with Paula and Dustin at pearlridge. ate a mcchicken sandwhich and then walked around. Everyone got lazy so we all decided to call it a day. went home and fell asleep. woke up to boyfriends voice message. called him back and he didnt sound so good. he said he was gonna go home soon from work cause he had a fever and a headache. i wanted to go aide him but had to go to a family party with my parents. when my dad came home we headed to makakilo to my auntie's house. wtf?! her house is huge. lol x) was so cold up there too. well we left around nine and i told boyfriend i was gonna go bring him soup but he already ate cause he got tired of waiting for me. hahahaha. so i drove to his house and daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn he was burning hot. stayed besides him until he fell asleep, but he had a hard time sleeping. Got a call from his friends telling us to go to Janmar's house cause it was his birthday. it was already ten o'clock so i told him i could take him before i go home. decided we was just gonna stay there for awhile and then leave since i had to be home by twelve.

so irritated 011909

i dont know if your writing about my boyfriend but it surely sounds like it. well its getting pretty irritating. seeing this and that about a certain "EX" is getting old. if you guys are doing shit behind my back, you guys mind as well fucking tell me. Even if its just talking, its still fucking wrong. finding out later hurts more then you fucking think. you guys already got caught for lying and i comfronted you guys about it. you said you was going to back off. he's going to be a dad and i dont need drama anytime soon. i dont need to know that only now you got over him. shit, if you found out your boyfriend was still thinking of his ex, it'd kill you too. so put yourself in my shoes.

& you on the other hand, i dont know what your doing behind my back. im sick of how things are going right now. i dont even know what your doing anymore. who your talking to or what your doing. it wouldnt hurt to fucking call when your out with your friends or to even call me before you go sleep. this relationship isnt going to go very far if its going to always be like this. you use to call me up the ass and now im even lucky to get one phone call that last more then five minutes. im carrying YOUR baby. get it straight, its either you be there for me or im about ready to leave. im tired of crying and venting to other people about "OUR" relationship because you dont want to hear it. when i go out with my friends, you ask me a million questions and you expect a call from me every dang hour but when it comes to you its a different story, right?! i mean im greatful for all the things you do for me but seriously, who are you now a days. its like you dont even give a damn about us anymore. well hopefully things get better. you know i love you and would do anything for you but things gotta change or nothings ever gonna work out -__-